Long Time, revisited
Still more valuable than short time
Molly and I recently spent a few days with a group of friends at a pretty special property in Mendocino. There was the usual Friday arrival fervor, but that slowly gave way to a meandering, slower, deeper coexistence. As Molly and I call it, long time.
A few of you may recall that I wrote about long time a year and a half back. I was passionate about the idea then, and it rings even truer for me today on the heels of this trip. And given this audience was significantly smaller1 when it first ran, I thought I’d revisit those thoughts.
LONG TIME
My buddy Jon Garcia drove up from Phoenix this past week to cut some lumber with me. Last year he helped chainsaw-mill several redwoods and a doug fir that had been killed in the 2020 wildfire, and now it was time to slice them further into materials for a small cabin build.
We worked, chatted, and ate together for a few days at the land, plus one more day and night in the city with Molly. Long time, is how I tend to think of these sorts of hangs. Making a value distinction in my head between the paint-by-numbers socialization that happens over coffee or lunch, and what I see as more meaningful quality time that emerges during prolonged periods together.
For me, the short time of bite-sized and infrequent get-togethers is eaten up by questions checked off a list. How are the kids? How’s work? Catching up. I never feel totally at ease. With the agenda and a ticking clock, it can be hard to find a rhythm.
There’s a place for these brief interactions obviously… sometimes it’s all we’re afforded. But, I yearn for the long weekends spent together. Where said checklist is completed and the lull sets in. The silences. Initial energy fades and now we’re just together.
This relaxed tempo and free-form hang gives space for both intimate moments and larger and more energetic convenings. It provides the opportunity for collaboration. Adventure. Alone time. Arts and crafts. Projects. And for meaningful conversations to emerge where more difficult topics can be broached. I see this as a place where relationships can deepen, not just be maintained.
Weirdly, maybe, my inability to snowboard comes to mind here.
It’s been many years since I’ve tried, but back in high school and the decade or so after, I’d go out snowboarding with friends about once a year. Each winter I’d spend a day on the mountain and effectively re-learn how to ‘board. By sundown, I’d actually be getting comfortable. In a groove. But, of course, we’d leave and when next year’s day on the slopes rolled around, I’d end up starting right back where I’d begun. Never progressing.
Relegating relationship maintenance to a once-every-few-months conversation over a salad rings a bit similar to me.
Relationship investment is a value Molly and I share and something we focus on. We try to make our bite-sized time with our friends (and my scheduled phone calls) frequent. Our mutual love for those more impactful long time weekends is often satisfied by large gatherings at our property, or at some other friend’s getaway. We rent Airbnbs on a semi-regular basis to gather a handful of friends in inspired locations. And we host visiting friends often—though there are also certain folks I’ve made a promise to travel to (or with) a number of times per year, specifically because I’ve clocked the attrition of our relationship and an unfortunate and growing abundance of short time.
But, all this is work.
These multi-day commitments require planning and collaboration. They are complex meals relative to the snack food of shorter, more casual hangs. It can be a big ask to block off calendar days months in advance, and a challenge to take on an asymmetrical load of social and emotional labor. But the reward, for slowing down and putting in the time, is a distinctly deeper and more nourishing brand of togetherness that’s well worth the effort.
FATHERS DAY PLUG
I wrote a book about Tools, and while it’s hard to recommend it over the much more useful videos of YouTube, it’s a totally adequate gift that says “I know you like tools, and though I wouldn’t presume to know which tools you might need… I figured this thoughtful book would perfectly communicate both a recognition of your hobbies and my appreciation for you.”
I’m now regretting that I didn’t buck convention and push this on Mother’s Day as well. Next year.
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SHEESH if you wanted long time with us you could have just asked! Looking forward to not asking about kids or work and finding a rhythm with you guys this summer! Also very down for paint-by-numbers, watching you dig a hole to nowhere, etc. etc.