Having a thing
One less obstacle to hanging out...
I’ve noticed a trend in my friendships where they seem to benefit from having a thing—some kind of activity that we can both slide into without much thought or planning.
Dan and I play catch. Tom and I, for a long time, texted daily with little fitness achievements and challenges. Kate and I shop Costco together. There are regulars at our Wednesday sauna night. SF-Ben and I, for many years, played weekly disc golf. Though as of late it seems like those dates are pivoting to spearfishing. East Coast-Ben and I travel together. And I’ve got scheduled phone calls with a number of people. Boy do I have phone calls. I had one today with New England-Ben.
You get the point. And it’s not just that there are a lot of Ben’s in my life.
Conversely—and this is something he and I have discussed—my friend Jason and I don’t have a thing. We grab dinner sometimes. Go for a walk. Play racquetball. We’ve got options, but not a singular activity that’s shorthand for a Jason & Jeff collab.
I see this minor hurdle as a major factor in him and I not spending as much time together as either of us would prefer. Our hang planning might start with a “We should hang out.” And “What should we do?” That’s work. Tiny work. But work.
There’s something about a known activity slotting into the bigger picture that puts the logistics part of the brain at ease. It’s familiar. Less of a hassle. Predictable. Necessary benefits, as it gets harder and harder to make time for friendship as we age. Everyone has a full plate. There are kids. Careers. People move.
With those blockades in mind, I’m often looking to remove as much friction as possible. Creating a standing and open opportunity to join in a hang, or organizing an event, rather than waiting for someone else to do so. Getting regular calls, dinners, or weekends away on the calendar. Basically, recognizing we’re going to be lazy or preoccupied and setting the stage for success in spite of all those forces.
Predictability and the ritual it creates can also be a reward in its own right. We’re building skills together. Or memories anyway—collectively contextualizing this experience through the shared recollection of those previous. There’s a cumulative value in sitting around a campfire where everyone has the stories of previous campouts in their back pockets.
A predictable and known activity can be anything. Tennis, coffee, grocery shopping, museums, birding, meals, whatever. So long as there’s one less detail to think about with all the complexities of life swirling about.
All the better if it’s scheduled as a monthly, weekly, yearly whatever. But if all else fails, it means that getting together might be as simple as a text:
“Hey, it’s been a while. Let’s go do the thing.”
Just, yes!