Long time

More valuable than short time

My buddy Jon Garcia drove up from Phoenix this past week to cut some lumber with me. Last year he helped chainsaw mill several redwoods and a doug fir that had been killed in the 2020 wildfire, and now it was time to slice them further into lumber for a small cabin build. 

We worked, chatted, and ate together for a few days at the land, plus one more day and night in the city with Molly. Long time, is how I tend to think of these sorts of hangs. Making a value distinction in my head between the paint-by-numbers socialization that happens over coffee or lunch, and what I see as more meaningful quality time that emerges during prolonged periods together. 

For me, the short time of bite-sized and infrequent get-togethers is eaten up by questions checked off a list. How are the kids? How’s work? Catching up. I never feel totally at ease. With the agenda and a ticking clock, it can be hard to find a rhythm.

There’s a place for that obviously… sometimes it’s all we’re afforded. But, I yearn for the weekends spent together. Where said checklist is completed and the lull sets in. The silences. Initial energy fades and now we’re just together.

This relaxed tempo and free-form hang gives space for both intimate moments and larger and more energetic convenings. It provides the opportunity for collaboration. Adventure. Alone time. Arts and crafts. Projects. And for meaningful conversations to emerge where more difficult topics can be broached. I see this as a place where relationships can deepen, not just be maintained. 

Weirdly, maybe, my inability to snowboard comes to mind here.

It’s been many years since I’ve tried, but back in high school and the decade or so after, I’d go out snowboarding with friends about once a year. Each year I’d spend a day on the mountain and basically re-learn how to ‘board. By the end of the day, I was actually getting a little comfortable. In a groove. But, of course, we’d leave and by the time next year’s day on the slopes rolled around, I’d end up starting right back where I’d begun. Never progressing.

Relegating relationship maintenance to a once-every-few-months conversation over a salad rings a bit similar to me. 

Relationship investment is important to both Molly and I. A value we share. So, we try to make sure our bite-sized time with friends is frequent. (And what with my scheduled calls!) And we get our desires for long time quality time from time spent at our property, or at a friend’s getaway. We try and rent Airbnbs on a semi-regular basis to gather a handful of friends for a few days. We host visiting friends often and there are certain folks who I make it a point to visit annually, or to travel with.

These sorts of multi-day commitments require planning and effort of course. They are complex meals when compared to the snack food of shorter, more casual hangs. It’s work. But the payoff is a different, deeper, and (hopefully) more nourishing type of quality time that’s worth making the effort for.